Beautiful Oblivion
Horny Soldiers in Iraq

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Conquering a foreign country is hard, stressful work. But some of our men and women overseas made sure they'd be as loose and tension-free as possible.

Two San Francisco companies specializing in adult merchandise -- Good Vibrations and MyPleasure -- saw online orders from military personnel abroad surge during both the troop buildup in the Persian Gulf and the outbreak of hostilities in Iraq.

MyPleasure said it normally receives a couple of orders a week from military personnel. But between November, when the troop buildup began in earnest, and this week, it said shipments to military addresses abroad climbed to several a day.

Good Vibrations said it usually sends a few dozen shipments to military addresses each month. But after combat erupted in March, orders from overseas soared, including a 900 percent increase in condom sales and a 600 percent jump in sales of naughty videos.

"These people were doing a difficult job, and, like anyone else, they wanted to take care of themselves," said Thomas Roche, marketing manager of Good Vibrations. "They clearly wanted a little pleasure while off-duty."

A Pentagon spokesman declined to comment.

But Sandor Gardos, president of MyPleasure, said it's obvious to him that our military leaders are more sexually savvy now than they've been in past wars.

"In World War I," he noted, "more U.S. soldiers contracted venereal disease than died in combat. We were the only nation that didn't give our soldiers condoms."

This time, Gardos said, military authorities apparently had no problem with shipments from his firm even though the contents of each package were spelled out on shipping forms.

It also helped that U.S. forces were calling the shots. In the first Gulf War, some soldiers in the Middle East complained that they were deprived of down-home satisfactions, such as the latest copy of Playboy.

James Garcia, MyPleasure's inventory and distribution manager, took a close look at his records and determined that the vast majority of orders from military personnel in the Gulf involved "solitary enjoyment."

"It wasn't for couples," he said. "No games. No role-playing stuff. These were pretty much all things for self-pleasure."

OK, this is a family newspaper, and we don't need to get much more graphic than that. For what it's worth, though, the online market for adult entertainment is valued at almost $2 billion.

Garcia said that nearly two-thirds of the military orders to MyPleasure were placed by women. (Good Vibrations said most of its orders were from men.)

Garcia also observed that while people on the front lines were most interested in self-gratification, there were occasional purchases of more exotic wares.

Several orders were placed for ankle and wrist cuffs, Garcia said, and a few requests were made for what he called "spankers."

One can assume that either some of our soldiers were getting a little kinky out there in the desert or that Saddam Hussein is in for one heck of a surprise when we finally track him down.

Interestingly, MyPleasure saw orders from military personnel drop off precipitously as soon as hostilities began in March. "I suppose their time was suddenly taken up with other things," Garcia speculated.

On the other hand, Good Vibrations saw its military orders spike sharply higher once war broke out.

Between Nov. 20 and March 20, for example, the company shipped 50 packs of its best-selling condoms to military addresses abroad. After March 20, when the bombing of Baghdad began, Good Vibrations received orders for 500 packs.

Since many soldiers use government-issued condoms to protect the muzzles of their rifles in dusty regions, it's possible that some required additional supplies for personal use.

Good Vibrations sold just 30 naughty videos to the troops between Nov. 20 and March 20. After the bombs started falling, it sold 210 videos.

"What's perhaps most surprising," said Roche, the marketing manager, "is that they have access to VCRs over there."

His hunch is that most of the wartime sales were to support personnel backing up the front-line forces. "I guess they were pretty stressed, had some extra time on their hands and wanted to loosen up," Roche said.

That is, if the orders were delivered in a timely fashion. For many soldiers in and around Iraq, waiting for mail call was an exercise in patience.

Then again, at least they had something to look forward to.

Both Good Vibrations and MyPleasure are privately held. MyPleasure's Gardos would not discuss his company's finances except to say that it's profitable. Roche at Good Vibrations said his firm sees annual sales of about $15 million.

The two companies position themselves as upscale, nonpornographic purveyors of adult toys and goodies. Neither ever expected to become a supplier to the military.

"It's quite a surprise," Gardos said, laughing.

"It's something we never dreamed would happen," said Roche.

Meanwhile, U.S. soldiers in past wars won over local civilians by passing out American chocolate and cigarettes. What about this time?

"Let's hope some of the soldiers are handing out our stuff," said Roche. "That's a market we otherwise wouldn't be able to reach."